IGNORE THE SUN; COVERS OVER MY HEAD

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 03:20:36 GMT

Fml lol omg ttyl xd omfg rofl lmfao kk ptsd abc NBC CBS TNT dynamite pms

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 17:04:28 GMT

I'm not really sure what this is, but thus far I like it. Nothing compares to the steam of a late night, dorm room, love session-especially under the covers, doused in our own perspiration and fantasy. Irregardless, thus with regard, this is more than what most get. Never, have I committed my own existence to another in this sense; you know me better than most I grew up with (however, little that says about many). As Godspeed would say, let's fall into it, like a day dream or a fever. That, I can dig like The Warriors. At the very least, my new best friend, top eight material; and your physique is worth the missed classes.

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 22:07:35 GMT

Nothing makes sense. Really.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 16:56:37 GMT

The cutest girl ever is sleeping in my bed right now.

Life is good.

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 18:30:29 GMT

This one, I can dig. :-p

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 00:23:40 GMT

It's over.

Time to move on.

Time to change.

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 06:44:10 GMT

There are no answers, just more questions.

Things like that, are the things that mean the most.
If you're ever near Minneapolis, call. I got you.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 02:32:48 GMT

Somebody.
Do something to help me win her back.
I don't care if she's moved on and things have changed.
I need one chance.
Someone help.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 19:19:37 GMT

At least when I fucked girls and had other relationships going on, I had the decency to maintain a friendship and be one hundred percent honest.
I should have fucked your friend when she asked me.

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 21:09:17 GMT

I get it I made her wait too long and now she has a life.
But I didn't know she wanted me all that time; nobody told me she wanted me all that time.
I thought it was just hate.
And they all told me to move on.
They told me lies about her.
They told me things.
Had she have just committed for a day.
I wouldn't have to admit myself for a month.

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 21:36:56 GMT

helpmeplease

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 21:11:45 GMT

"and everyone still tells me oh you are so young you have so much life to live but it deff doesnt feel like that
its funny how when we are young we want to grow up and when we grow up we want to be young again"

is that my problem? that i want to feel young again? is this growing up? being alone and only talking to people while inebriated? i love to drink, i love to party, but where does one turn when they really need someone?
i haven't seen a fucking movie in months
i haven't gone on a walk with someone in forever
it's just drugs
it's just booze
i fucking hate it

what did i do? what did i do that was so bad?

i just wanted my friends
i just wanted to fit in

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 21:00:39 GMT

I would give anything for someone I could talk to.

I'll take superficial conversation. I'll take pseudo-attention. I just don't want to be ignored. I just don't want to be alone, anymore. I would do anything for someone who would just talk to me.

I feel like it's my first day at Regis again, except it's every day and it's worse and worse.

I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to feel like this.
I just want a hug...

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 03:49:19 GMT

Let it be known to all you eau claire kids:

All I ever wanted was a real friend. You know, somebody who actually fucking cares if your mother is dying of breast cancer, or that you're moving away to a huge city alone, or that your ex-girlfriend has manipulated everyone into thinking you were the bad guy during the entire relationship. Someone who appreciates when you give up your fucking free time to simply hang out, someone who doesn't laugh when you tell them you got jumped by Bloods, someone that calls you by your fucking name and not some over-used racial slur. Someone that doesn't mind visiting me just because they like me, someone who comes to my house not because my parents are gone and there's people drinking and smoking-but to just fucking chill, someone who can share likes, dislikes, hopes, fears, and goals. Someone who doesn't claim they love you, but then say something like, "i can't deal with you." Perhaps someone to invite me to fucking lunch, to a mother fucking movie, maybe just to hang out, or to your little social gatherings you call a party. Maybe someone who when I say, "yeah, i'm really broken up about this," they don't go, "i just wanna stay out of it." Or even if they're at some lame-party with the same fucking kids they have spent every day of the past month with, and I'm sitting there LITERALLY DEPRESSED, they could put the cap on, leave, and say "hey, we're here because we want to spend time with you." Maybe someone who can put the ecstasy tablets and acid and shrooms and booze down and actually fucking care. Or rather than calling me a stoner and saying I'm crazy, acknowledges the fact that I have an addiction of self-medication, am depressed, and spurring onto dissociative disorders BECAUSE I'M FUCKING LONELY AND DON'T KNOW WHERE TO GO WITH MY FUCKING LIFE BECAUSE I SPENT ALL OF HIGH SCHOOL AND BEFORE TRYING TO BE FRIENDS WITH YOU AND MAKE YOU HAPPY SO I AM COMPLETELY BROKE, HAVE NO REMAINING FRIENDS, AM SOCIALLY RETARDED, AND DON'T HAVE ANY MEMORIES OUTSIDE OF BEING AROUND PEOPLE THAT NOW WON'T EVEN FUCKING RESPOND TO A TEXT OR MAKE AN ACTUAL PHONE CALL ON MY BIRTHDAY RATHER THAN A WEAK ASS FACEBOOK COMMENT.

seriously
fuck this
fuck this
fuck this

yeah
i have anger problems
yeah
i have depression
yeah
i have an addition to:
nicotine
caffeine
alcohol
sex
marijuana
and just about anything i try
yeah
i am fucking upset about my ex-girlfriend of two years that was also my best friend
yeah
i don't like being ignored
yeah
i have adhd
yeah
fuck all this

fuck you man
fuck you woman
i bet you're just as fucked up
probably worse

at least i feel like a human even though i'm treated like trash flavored trash

i have finally been fucking broken

you win
i'm done
goodbye

Sun, 18 Oct 2009 16:57:10 GMT

I would disappear forever if I only knew how.

Sun, 18 Oct 2009 09:55:38 GMT

Not one reason.
I'm not worth one reason.

http://pplz-ch4mp.livejournal.com/: now viewable in my head only.

Sun, 18 Oct 2009 05:08:57 GMT

I really was trying.
Harder than before.
Harder than ever.
I really gave it my all.

Sat, 17 Oct 2009 08:13:40 GMT

They say I'm depressed; I'm not. I'm just broken because when the ground of my schema disappeared I didn't accomodate. I fucking tried, but during, recall of my memories of my pase experiences I non-existant. How can we be friends if I don't remember how to treat you, because the only time you've seen me is at a superficial house party that you don't even fucking remember? Upon returning to where I was raised, I don't get a, "hello.". My birthday, a fucking facebook post, maybe on a big year like eighteen, a text message. You don't know me because you don't care. I talked for years and all you heard was the echo of your own voice bouncing off of ear drums? The world around you changes! The world around me changes! Thus, we change, but what's supposed to keep us steady is the laughter and comfort of friends, family. All I have is regret. Regret for wasting time on people like you, who don't even aknowledge me when I'm at my worst? I gave you my friendship, my house to party, my money, my car, my trust, and the life I should have had. Returned with regret.
I gave you store credit once, your time expired.

Everything was for nothing.

Nothing leaves me empty.

That's not fucking depression; that's your deceptions.

Sat, 17 Oct 2009 07:02:20 GMT

I don't know who to turn to.

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 04:09:02 GMT

take me to the pretty ones

pretty pretty where are you
trapped in a parade of pirates
plunder the complexities
the most complex poles of my persona
personality personifies
the thunder you robbed
play play play
rain rain rain
the storm of beauty
pelting your eyes like pepper
spray perfect prose away
engulfed
i wanted to be a pretty one

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 06:06:20 GMT

Life is so odd.
Just months ago I was cruising to Passion Pit with some local hipsters and best friends, now I get stoned with a girl I went to high school with and never talked to and random other kids I've somehow met either smoking cigs or eating and am pledging a fraternity.
I really just can't grasp all of this.

Walter came over the other night, with some wasp "rapper" named JD. They were fucking weird. I think rolling balls, but they needed a place to crash and I let them stay here. They kept me up, and annoyed the hell out of me. I used to get along real well with Walter, because, he's Walter and he's hilarious because he's him. But somehow, he's just fucking stupid now. Probably because he sold drugs, got robbed by his cousin and another friend (separately on the same day) (oh, after being arrested for felonies months earlier), and somehow found god. Kid fucked Emily, fifteen year old succubus, forever, and she got him kicked out of his apartment at MCAD a month before school even starts. He's so fucking weird now. Just like twacking, listening to horrible mainstream rap, making videos that have no purpose. I just don't get it. I don't get the kid. I don't get what happened to Eau Claire.
Everybody from that city has changed drastically. There's no more mallcore (whether TSB or the scene), and even when it's attempted, it fails for lack of an arcade, worthy food court, half the stores that matter, and just overall convenience and awesomeness (cheaper movies, big screen televisions, abundances of people and programs, lack of security, etc.). I get this random text from Phil's little sister, about how she has a picture of me and Phil on her wall from back in the day, and how she misses when things were like that (given their family has been through a lot). I started thinking back, and yeah it was fucking different. It'd be like, okay, it's Friday. Dutter picks me up, we run errands (cigs, money, booze, mall), play some laser tag, go to some local coffee-house and/or punk show, next day I'd go to the arcade, chill with TSB, meet up with Phillip (maybe Tiff), cruise the mall for bitches, go back to his place, add these bitches on MySpace, tease his sister, listen to all the trendy tunes, meet up with some randoms, go to some show, go wander, go to a dance, and just chill.
Like, now the kid's in jail.
And I'm in Minnesota.

a;lsdjkfas;jfd;oauief
I don't get it.

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 22:10:46 GMT

Goal List (work in progress):
-Double major; psych, Jap
-Double minor; creative writing, education
-M.D.; clinical psych
-P.H.D.; education
-Black Belt - karate
-Black Belt - judo

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 03:49:27 GMT

No matter how much I drink, no matter how much I smoke; nothing ever stays the same.

Sun, 11 Oct 2009 23:59:42 GMT

Small town boy in a big city alone is very odd. So many ups and downs. I now understand why some people never leave their hometown (EC).
Ruiner was amazing, Crime in Stereo was alright.
Strike Anywhere and then Polar Bear Club.
Siiiiick.

Wed, 07 Oct 2009 22:38:29 GMT

It's my birthday.
I woke up, late. Decided, I'm not going to make it to karate; and returned to sleep for another hour. I got up, late again, and then I went to my PtSL class. The weather is gorgeous, so things started looking up. My class today, along with the rest of my college class, attended a teleconference with author Earnest Gaines, author of A Lesson Before Dying, which we all had to read. It was pretty cool, he's a smart man; but I think him, the professors, students, and everyone else in the world gives a shit way too much about race. Race is pointless, no matter your ethnicity you still evolved from the same monkey. Rather than discussing the linguistic and literary value of the novel, they spoke of Barack Obama, whether or not blacks were really treated with that much dignity or disrespect, and how black society has evolved. Well it has, no shit, just like the rest of society. It's funny what things like the internet, television, and an overall easier lifestyle do for THE ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD, not just blacks. I left, did lunch with Brian (a kid I hardly know as of now, but am quite fond of), and his neighbor Dan, in the dorm hall. Brian and I had a few cigarettes. I left for Japanese. In between the lecture and discussion, I had a cigarette. I left Japanese, I had a cigarette and called back Tommy, who had phoned me during my class.
This is when it hit me.
That was the most depressing call ever; my four best friends in EC were all shouting happy birthday blah blah blah, then described how they have a four-day weekend (the high schoolers at least) and are going to the apple orchard, Joe's parents are gone, it's going to be great and amazing. They passed the phone around, finally bringing it back to Tomfag. He kept suggesting I come home this weekend, despite me telling him I do not have a car, I do not have money, I do not have any way to. Call ends. I hate being somewhere else when people I love are having fun. I call my mother. Happy birthdays from my family. Meh, I just got out of that one as soon as I could.
So fuck. Here I am, all alone, in my dorm room, listening to One For The Team. I took some dextramphetime nasally, poured a shot (or two) of SoCo 100 proof, and began facebooking. Which I'm addicted to, because it makes me feel less alone. I called the EC D.A. for my tela-pretrial conference, I plead guilty to possession of paraphernalia and operating left of center ordinances and got out of my violation of absolute sobriety. Yay for faulty legal systems. I took a shower. Now I'm here again.
I'm going to open the gifts my mother sent with me.
I have a guitar class in an hour.
And then back here again.
This is my life.